Q&A
Question: Need advice about foster kids...counseling?
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Answer #1:
You are absolutely being taken advantage of, and it is not only these foster kids who will pay, but you and your son as well. This child could act out sexually on your son or make a false allegation against you, your husband or your son. Minimally, he needs counseling immediately. To get it for him, you're going to have to make a few waves. Talk to your licensing worker, the social workers supervisor, and the teacher and/or social worker at school. Find out when a GAL will be assigned, when you will find out the case plan, and why he isn't getting the services he needs. Contact the insurance provider to find out if you need a referral to a psychologist, and find one near you that is covered. If you do need a referral, go through the medical doctor for one.
Then you and your husband need to decide how much risk you are willing to accept, and try to think of any ways you can mitigate it. Maybe you need some respite... a break from this kid... or maybe he needs to be in some kind of activity to keep him occupied. Or maybe the other kids need to be in an activity to have more time away from him.
Then you and your husband need to decide how much risk you are willing to accept, and try to think of any ways you can mitigate it. Maybe you need some respite... a break from this kid... or maybe he needs to be in some kind of activity to keep him occupied. Or maybe the other kids need to be in an activity to have more time away from him.
Answer #2:
First off you deserve a big fat bowl of gratitude for opening your heart and home to these kids. I understand that is not what you were looking for when you asked this question, but you and your family deserve to know that some of us see that as compassion and bravery.
Coming from me, raised in foster care and an adoptive parent of two I hope I can provide some insight into what you are dealing with and how to go about using the system to get your foster son the help he needs.
You should be able to use medicare, provided by the state, to seek out a professional therapist for him to see. Perhaps the system has changed since I participated as a foster/adopt parent, so forgive the obvious answer.
Your observation may indeed be spot on regarding being taken advantage of by their social worker. That being said, looking for support and resources is probably a great idea.
You obviously realize the lack of fault or blame the boy has for his inappropriate behavior and can only do what you are doing to reinforce his understanding and awareness of appropriate/inappropriate behavior.
I know from my experience in foster care that there is a mindset involved in his acting out. It may give him a sense of control in a place where he feels out of control. He may like to show off his knowledge to bring attention to himself. Even if it is negative/shocking attention grabbing, to him it is attention. To me it shows a desperate, over exaggerated need to fill a deep sense of abandonment or unworthiness. It also could be his way of testing how firm your boundaries are. I know I did that a lot as a child.
The bottom line is, it is not a failure to acknowledge that his presence in your home hurts your family more than helps him. Every child has his or her path. As painful as it may be to see his path be so challenging it is important to acknowledge Gods will for him and trust that you have given what you were meant to give in his life.
Remember that no matter what happens on his path, your home may be the one place he experiences normalcy.
Bless your efforts and your heart for taking them in, not everyone can do what you do!
I think you did the right thing in contacting the recommended therapist. I doubt they will suggest anything more than continued visits until they get to the bottom of the inappropriate behavior.
Good job, and don't lose hope!
Coming from me, raised in foster care and an adoptive parent of two I hope I can provide some insight into what you are dealing with and how to go about using the system to get your foster son the help he needs.
You should be able to use medicare, provided by the state, to seek out a professional therapist for him to see. Perhaps the system has changed since I participated as a foster/adopt parent, so forgive the obvious answer.
Your observation may indeed be spot on regarding being taken advantage of by their social worker. That being said, looking for support and resources is probably a great idea.
You obviously realize the lack of fault or blame the boy has for his inappropriate behavior and can only do what you are doing to reinforce his understanding and awareness of appropriate/inappropriate behavior.
I know from my experience in foster care that there is a mindset involved in his acting out. It may give him a sense of control in a place where he feels out of control. He may like to show off his knowledge to bring attention to himself. Even if it is negative/shocking attention grabbing, to him it is attention. To me it shows a desperate, over exaggerated need to fill a deep sense of abandonment or unworthiness. It also could be his way of testing how firm your boundaries are. I know I did that a lot as a child.
The bottom line is, it is not a failure to acknowledge that his presence in your home hurts your family more than helps him. Every child has his or her path. As painful as it may be to see his path be so challenging it is important to acknowledge Gods will for him and trust that you have given what you were meant to give in his life.
Remember that no matter what happens on his path, your home may be the one place he experiences normalcy.
Bless your efforts and your heart for taking them in, not everyone can do what you do!
I think you did the right thing in contacting the recommended therapist. I doubt they will suggest anything more than continued visits until they get to the bottom of the inappropriate behavior.
Good job, and don't lose hope!
Answer #3:
Yes, you have BIG trouble. You're right; it's not his fault. These kids Should have been placed in a home without other kids in the home.
What you need to do now it go up the chain of command. You need to call the agency and speak with the workers supervisor. So don't take no for an answer. If you can't get a hold of her ---leave your number and ask that she call you as soon as possible--that you have a hugh problem. Then write your concerns on PAPER and sent to the supervisor at the agency. She may not be aware of these problems.Counseling is a must--it should be someone who works with sexually abusive children.
NEVER take a workers word that ANY child has not been sexually abused---most don't know. Many times it IS the foster parent who finds this out.All children must be supervised and should never be allowed to play in the bedroom---even with the door open.
Furthermore---If sexual abuse was not known at the time of placement it is your RESPONSIBILITY to call your state's hotline and report it.A therapeutic home would be good but I would expect any good foster home to deal with this issue as well.
Some children Do require 24 hr monitoring---and as you know foster parents are just Regular parents.
No, you can NOT set up counseling yourself---the worker must do it. You can go up the chain of command until you find someone willing to do something. I know exactly what you are talking about---it happens here also too frequently.
What you need to do now it go up the chain of command. You need to call the agency and speak with the workers supervisor. So don't take no for an answer. If you can't get a hold of her ---leave your number and ask that she call you as soon as possible--that you have a hugh problem. Then write your concerns on PAPER and sent to the supervisor at the agency. She may not be aware of these problems.Counseling is a must--it should be someone who works with sexually abusive children.
NEVER take a workers word that ANY child has not been sexually abused---most don't know. Many times it IS the foster parent who finds this out.All children must be supervised and should never be allowed to play in the bedroom---even with the door open.
Furthermore---If sexual abuse was not known at the time of placement it is your RESPONSIBILITY to call your state's hotline and report it.A therapeutic home would be good but I would expect any good foster home to deal with this issue as well.
Some children Do require 24 hr monitoring---and as you know foster parents are just Regular parents.
No, you can NOT set up counseling yourself---the worker must do it. You can go up the chain of command until you find someone willing to do something. I know exactly what you are talking about---it happens here also too frequently.
Answer #4:
I am the mom of 3 foster kids, ages 9, 6 and 2. The oldest has had a lot of issues and still struggles. It seems a lot to suggest but, I went to a 12+ hour training course on Trauma Informed Parenting and it made a huge difference to many foster parents involved. See the link attached. I would encourage you to continue to be an advocate for these kids.
There is a webinar for parents of Sexual abused kids. If it's anything like the materials we had in training it may help you make up your mind about how to proceed. The other suggestions of using your insurance provider to help find a therapist would be the best bet in the mean time for this boy.
Remember that you are the professional here too and you need to keep on top of these issues for these kids. Don't give up. You've taken a lot on yourself, reach out to your support people and get some childcare set up in the next couple of days so that you can concentrate on this and then take some time for yourself. This is a marathon not a sprint, and a large % of a marathon is mental endurance.
Blessings!
There is a webinar for parents of Sexual abused kids. If it's anything like the materials we had in training it may help you make up your mind about how to proceed. The other suggestions of using your insurance provider to help find a therapist would be the best bet in the mean time for this boy.
Remember that you are the professional here too and you need to keep on top of these issues for these kids. Don't give up. You've taken a lot on yourself, reach out to your support people and get some childcare set up in the next couple of days so that you can concentrate on this and then take some time for yourself. This is a marathon not a sprint, and a large % of a marathon is mental endurance.
Blessings!
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